I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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