i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
