I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
