Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
