i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
