Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
