I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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