I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
