It's like a parade of train wrecks.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize