ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
