Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
