Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
