grandma shit on top of the toilet
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
