Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Randomize
