guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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