Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
