Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
