I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
