And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I puked a lego.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
