I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
