Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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