im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Randomize
