i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
