She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
