She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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