Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
