i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
