Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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