**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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