More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
