she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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