Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
