So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
How external is "for external use only"?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
