I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
