..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
