If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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