Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
