i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
