After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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