Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize