Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The cops high fived after they tackled you
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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