what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
