Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
