You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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