girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
