I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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