I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Randomize
