When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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