He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
