I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize