Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
