You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
