I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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