My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize