i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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