I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
