nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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