We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
