I think my vagina is haunted
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
