in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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