Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
