Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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