So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
